kibir ve zikir

Kulagimda qasida burda sharif dinliyorken, kitabimda bu baslik altinda yazmak istedigim yaziyi yarim birakip tembelligimden buraya atladim. Insan klavye üzerinde hizlica yazmaya alistiktan sonra hic yavas yavas kursun kalemle yazasi gelmiyor. Özellikle hayati benim gibi yogun ve ara sira stresli gecen bir insansa, rasyonelliginden zaman kaybina katlanamayacak derecede rahatsizlik duyan biriyse eger... bu el yazisi ile yazmak nerdeyse olmayacak kadar zor geliyor gözüme. Iki cümle yazana kadar okadar vakit geciyor ki , sanki on kere cümleyi düsünüp yazmis gibi oluyorum sonunda. Eh haliyle sonunda daha düsünülmüs ve daha güzel cümleler cikiyor ortaya, el yazisiyla o güzel kaftan kapli kitabimda da oldukca hos duruyor, ama o güzel cümleler tek tek tasarlanmis cevherler bile olsa aralarindaki bag kopuyor, ve sonunda kendim bile okusam bazen ne kast ettiğimi veyahutta bir düsünceden birdahaki düsünceye nasil geldigimi anlayamiyorum. Sonunda tek tek inciler bir araya gelip güzel bir kolye olmaktan aciz iseler, ne ise yararlar ?

Aralarindaki baglayici bir ip olsunki, basindaki tasarlayanin kafasında olup bitenler anlasilsin. O yüzden bugün klavye.

Asil mevzu cok daha derin tabiki. Tembellikten öte giden iki mevzuu hatta. Bu gece bitmeyebilir yani…

İlk uzun mevzu kendi ömrümde gözlemlediğim bir mekanizma, bir huy, bir fenomen ?

Imani bulduğum yillar  yükseklerde olan heyecan ve imanimdan dolayi bana amel etmek zor gelmez, nefsimi yenip kalp gözüyle bakmak cok zor gelmezdi. Lakin sükrümün yetersizliğine veriyorumki bunu kaybettim. Etrafımdakiler bunun normal olduğundan bahsediyor, ben bir takim başka dis etkenlerde de neden aramaya calisiyorum. Sorunun nerde olduğunu henüz cözmüs değilim, o yüzden maalesef bugün oturup buraya ey günlük kalbimin ilacini buldum diyemicem. Lakin nefsimin cok daha güçlü olduğunu hissediyorum. Ve bu ömrümün her iki cihanindada bana hem zorluk getirdi ve getirecek , hem ilahi güce kul olmak için yaratilmis fitratima karsi hemde içime bir gerginlik veriyor.

O yillar amelin gerçekten iman tatmis insanlar için cok kolay birsey olduğuna simsiki inanir ve bundan yola cikarak insanlar hakkında düşünürdüm. Yani insanlarin imanlarini amellerine göre var veya yok sayar(bunu henüz tamamen atmis değilim, ve doğru veya yanlisligi hakkındada karar vermiş değilim), ona göre onlarla bag kurar veya kurmazdım. Yok veya avuç kadar imanlari olduğunu düşünsemde onlarla yinede bag kurmaya karar verdiğimde bunu ancak onlara “yârdim” etmek içindi. Ah cahil kalbim…

Sonra olan tam olarak bu oluyordu : Onlar üzerinde uğraşıp, caba sarf ediyordum. Hemde bol bol. Bol bol dua ederdim. Ve günün birinde amelleri cogaldiginda imanlarida cogaldi sanir (bunun bakin tekrar söylüyorum hala bir nevi doğru olduğunu düşünüyorum! Bunlarin ikisi hic bir zaman bagimsiz olmadi, olamaz ve olmayacakta!) ve sonunda cok büyük bir hataya düşerdim. Bu hata her daim (demekki) zamandan zamana bozuk olan niyetimden kaynaklaniyor olmali.Cünkü ben bu insanlardan bazen teşekkür icabi birsey beklediğimi hissediyordum. Bunu bir minnettarlık veya söz icabi bir teşekkürden ibaret olmasi gerekmiyordu, hatta bunu istemiyordum. Sanirim bu sekilde nefsim için cok bariz sekilde bir kötülük olurdu ve seytan nefsimi bukadar acikca kötü olan bir isteğe itmek için cok daha fazla ugrasmasi gerekirdi. Ama velakin… bazen bu insanlarin bana karsi daha yumuşak, biraz daha merhametli ve normalindan biraz daha sevgi dolu olmalarinin gerektiğini hissediyordum. Böyle bir istek vardi içimde demekki . Adeta birsey bekliyormuş gibiymişim ! Rabbim, sen böylesine küçük birsey için senin rizani kaybetmekten koru, niyetlerimizi halis eyle ve başka niyetlerden arindir….

Fark etmeden bozuk olan niyetlerimize gözümüze ilişir hale getir ve dosdoğru ve saf eyle.

Ikinci mevzu tasavvuf…

Imani bulduğum zamanlar bolca tasavvuf musikisi ve zikir dinlerdim. Bolca Kuran dinleyip rahatlar, yine bolca zikirde bulunurdum. Bu benim kalbimi öylesine rahatlatirdiki…Nerdeyse uçacak kus kadar hafifler, sevgiyle dolup tasar, ta en derinimde olan bir huzuru bulur ve O ve Onun kusursuz sevgisinden başka hicbirseye muhtaç olmazdım. Günüm her aninda zikir ile geçerdi. Iste takva buydu… Takva zikirdi ! Simdi yine hatirladim , o yaz günleri bol bol Semerkandin kitaplarini okur, tezkiye ve zikirle meşgul olurdum. Beni tüm salih amellere iten ancak o ask oldu. Temiz bir kalp isteği oldu, ve tüm bunlara götüren tek yol ebediyyen zikretmekti. Zikrimin azaldigi gibi dünyaya ne cabuk daldigimi artik gördüm. Ve evet nefsimin beni eline geçirip istediği gibi Seytanin eline yem olduğunu gördüm. Cok acizim. Herseyden cok benim bas vasfim acz. Degisik seylermi denemek istedim ? Vallahi bilmiyorum. Orucumu takva ortaya cikarmisti, takvayida bende zikir meydana getirmişti. Zikrin kesildiği an sanki bir nehri kaynagindan kesermişçesine herseyin kuruyup gittiğini daha simdi anlıyorum. Halbuki nefsimin büyüdüğünü, beni nasil eline aldigini anlıyordum. Kitabimda ondan nasil korktuğumu ve nefsin büyümesiyle korkumunda büyümesine dair okadar yazi var. Cok korktuğumu ve artik ona karsi agir bir darbede bulunmamin zamani çoktan gelip geçmekte olduğunu yazmisim. Kendime cesaret verirmişçesine. Hadi, hadi vur, ona karsi gel, daha fazla seni cehenneme sürüklemesine izin verme diye kendime haykirirmiscasina yazmisim. Ama cesaretini topladıktan sonra etrafına ürkek bir köpek yavrusu gibi bakip kacmisim, çünkü elimde zikir kilicini coktandir gerilerde birakip unutmuşum… Onu göremeyince neye dayanarak yüzüme siritan o seytani nefse vurabilirdim ? Neyle savasacagima sasirarak çaresizce kactim. Zikirdi eksiğim…

Bir kac gün önce 2016 basladi ve biz o aksami “Poesie für den Propheten” diye bir programla Sehitlikte geçirdik. Singapurlu bir seyh gelip bize Burdai Serifin aciklamasini yapti. Sonra … Darul Hikma camiisinin bolca dinlemiş olduğum kaside grubu kasideler söyledi…öylesine kaybettiler kendilerini en sevgiliye övgüler yagdirirken, öylesine coştu ve kalplerindeki asklari döktülerki ortaya… yada en azindan o manevi havaya, o ilahi aska ve zikre muhtaç olan kalbime öyle geldi. Her kalp bir nevi istediğini görmezmi ?

Simdide bakıyorum bulunduğum cemaate… cok seviyorum sizi. Milli Görüsüm, Allah hepinizden razi olsun. Sonra Selef camiileri, Allah sizinde yardimciniz olsun…

Ama birsey eksik. Zikir eksik. Zikirde bana yol gösteren ve nefsimin beni yoruldun diye kandırmak istediği an beni zorlayan birileri… Beni cennete onun ask yolunda götüren bir cemaat. Sizede ihtiyacim var… Daha cok yazılacak satir var… Ama nefsim şimdilik beni yorulduğuma inandirdi.

working on ahlaq pt.2 - apologies

Since the first step towards coming closer to our rabb is repenting, the very first step towards perfecting ones ahlaq is apologizing.
Most of us have a quite good working conscience and know too well when we didn't behave the way we should have, our weren't able to live up to our own standards. Some of us try to ignore the nerve-wracking knocking of our conscience on the doors of our mind, but there aren't many who are successful in doing so. So noone really should be in need to tell you whether you're right or wrong. You should be able to see it yourself in a quite moment of leaning back and pondering. If there is something bothering you - its time to rethink our actions.

But many times after sinning, being mean or simply not doing good enough we don't have the courage to stand up and fix what we have broken.
What you don't repair will remain broken. If you have an honest interest in a relationship , and that should be the case if you befriended/married the right people, you might also have an honest interest in fixing the cracks.

Even if you weren't the one who made the cracks go that deep, and even if you weren't the one who started the  conflict at all, you have with a high chance a good share in it.

So go ahead and fix it. If you can't fix it : make it less hurting. Clean your conscience, make a move and step out of you're comfort zone. Forget the ego.
The other side might be waiting for your move, struggling the same way and not being able to win over their ego. They might be looking forward to seeing you again.
The rarest separations are pleasurable. 

1) Rethink the situation :

 What have you done wrong ? What could have you done better ? What do you still stand behind ?  Why are you upset ? Why is the other side upset ? How can you change it ?

2) Rethink your relationship : 

What does the other mean to you ? Why do you like them ? Why could they be liking you ? Is the issue worth risking the relationship ?

3) Rethink your character :

 Do you often react in a way in which you wish you shouldn't ? How are you planning to change it ? 

Once you apologize for something you will be a lot less likely to repeat the same behaviour. Apologizing is never easy in the first moment. Admitting ones own faults to someone we have wronged without trying to justify is never a pleasurable experience for the first seconds. It might take some mental preparation time. But its worth it.

Working on ahlaq pt.1

Last week I had a little fight with someone and was lost in thoughts about how I could be such a jerk sometimes while I was at the same time praying 5 times a day, making regular dhikr and attending classes every week.

How could I do all the obligatory ibadah, collect good deeds and then mess up in manners all the time ?

Then I came across this video : 

For those who understand Turkish just go ahead and listen to what he has to say. For my English speaking readers Im going to paraphrase his thesis shortly in the next paragraph.

His thesis is quite simple : He basically says that adab is more important on the day of judgement than deeds. He quotes some ayahs in which Allah adresses his Rasool and draws attention to the point that he never only says "Muhammad" to his beloved Prophet, but always dresses him with respect and love. If even the creator himself shows such compassion in addressing his own creation, what does that teach us about the importance of manners ?

I feel like our generation has lost a lot in this field.We are so knowledgeable but our manners lack a deeper understanding. So to say we seem to be a little like the Jews who made their religion into an academic discipline. We prefer arguing about whether the feet have to be three fingers apart or four while praying , we tend to focus on how well the melody was after a recitation instead of being absorbed by its meaning. On the other side we try to hide from being actively engaged in lessons about manners and ahlaq. We know its uncomfortable to think about things we can not easily get used to, because they are not simply a behaviour , but a way of thinking, and even more a way of feeling.

While praying in a physical sense can be achieved through chaining a row of actions together, the adab of prayer, and this way the real prayer, can only be achieved through focusing mentally and emotionally as well. And focusing emotionally and mentally requires constant reflection and self observation. The mind can not just wander, and emotions which naturally follow the wandering path of the mind can not do so as well. Instead one has to take all responsibility for ones own thoughts, must recognize that he is not only fully responsible for them, but is also perfectly able to control them and think of the fact that he is in an undisturbed dialogue with his creator himself. 

But we never focused on that. We were taught all the rules and regulations without grasping the deeper meaning, without understanding the essence of this deen. And so many of our prayers remained void of any spirituality, many of our fasts in fact did not benefit us except making us hungry and thirsty and although we raised our hands to make dua to the Allmighty - we all know that too many times our lips were moving, but our hearts were in very different places. 

We lack manners.

Thats it.

The simplest of them. A lack of manners is mostly a lack of sincerity. 

Whoever is sincere will keep an eye on his manners.

So I packed my thoughts and pushed all of them to the side for a little while. My very base is cracked,   I desperately need to work on my manners with everything. 

So Im starting my journey of manners inside the journey of my life. A journey towards better manners, towards a beautified ahlaq. Towards more resemblance with the most beloved of the creation. 

For every now and then Ill blog about habits and reflections. About goals and my steps  towards achieving them. For every curious soul out there : I invite you to walk a little of that journey with me. And for every sincere soul out there who thinks, that they kind of feel or think the same : I invite you to walk this path completely with me, and even further than I might make it. May Allah be our protector and helper on this journey.

In prayer four success

Ayse 

Hüzün takvaya dahilmi ?

Son zamanlarda çözemediğim bir konuyla yoğruluyorum.
Bundan bir kaç sene önce ben ilk defa anlayarak ve hakiki bir şekilde iman ettim. Çok zor, yoğun ve bunaltıcı bir arayış döneminin ardından bulduğum iman gücü beni ve hayata bakış açımı adeta tekrar diriltti.
Ama bu diriliş hiç bir zaman başka insanlarla gülüp eğlenmeyi, başkalarının beraberliğinden hoşlanmayı kapsamadı. Etrafımdaki insanlar her daim rabbimle aramda bir engel, ona yaklaşmaya kullanmak istediğim zamanı neredeyse boşa harcayan sosyal fıtratımın bir gerekçesiydi. Aklen bunun böyle olmadığını çok iyi bilsem bile hissiyatım böyleydi. Yalnız kalmak isterdim. Ilahi sohbet , onunla aramdaki mahremiyet bozulmasın , kimse rahatsız etmesin isterdim.
Ve onun himayesine vardığımda daima ağlardım. Namazlarım her daim hıçkırıklı, dualarım gözyaşlarıyla yoğrulmuştu.

Sarajevo sokaklarindan bir kare

Ben nezaman Ona yaklaştığımı hissetsem hep ağlardım. Bir kere Onun karşısına geçip gülmeyi cahillikten sayardım, edebe aykırı bilirdim. Kim cüret edebilirdi alemlerin Rabbi karşısında gülmeye ? Üstelik günahlarında adeta boynuna kadar boğulurken ? Takva sahibi insan ise her daim Onun gözetimi altında olduğunu anladığı vakit bu hal artar. Takvanın artmasıyla sanki hüzün de gittikçe büyür.
Öbür dünyayı bu dünyaya tercih etmeyi başardığım an kendi ibadetlerimin nekadar yetersiz olduğun anlayarak ağlardım. Zahidleri beğenir , zühdü ariflik vasfı sayar, en çok onlara imrenirdim. Onlar ise her daim süküt etmeyi, az yiyip az gülmeyi tavsiy ettiler. Ve hakikaten bu huyları nezaman edindiysem beni Ona daima yakınlaştırdı.
Ama sadakat emsali Ebu Berkirden bir  rivayet  okudumki beni çözemediğim bir problemin eşiğine sürükledi. Yanlış anlaşılmasın , akli bir problem değil daha çok kalben tam kavrayamamamdan kaynaklanan bir sorun.
Peygamber efendimiz insanlara daima tebessüm eder, onlara gülümsermiş.
Nasıl ? diye kalıverdim.
Ki o, insanlardan ilahi makama en yakın olan.Takvada en üstün olan, En çok tövbe eden .
Anlayamamıştım. Yoksa benim bildiğim gibi değilmiydi ?
Ve şimdi size soruyorum :
Hüzün  takvaya dahilmi ?

Why I stopped writing

Or more exactly – posting /publishing.

It’s not like someone who is attached to his pen and paper could ever stop writing and this way getting rid of all his thoughts. Over time writing becomes an obsession and develops into more of a need than a hobby. And its not even like I stopped caring for my blog. I was recently checking my website, never even thinking about shutting it down.
But since I couldnt get myself to post anything, the idea of closing it all down completely  drew closer. It only seemed logical for the last few weeks. Whenever I had written and then was about to click on the tiny little ‘publish’ button a thought crossed my mind. I asked myself whether this text was needed and beneficial. None of them WERENT, but none of them were very beneficial in a sense that it might have some real impact as well. I also thought, that I am not qualified to write in any way. In religious regards – I am not an alim, Im not even a theologian, although I’ve benefitted from a good religious education from child –age on.So I have knowledge, but not even nearly as much as those who are truly qualified to state any opinion – I thought.

People should go on and read texts, which were truly important and of truly qualified poeple. The internet makes nearly everything easily  accessible from home. Ancient texts of great scholars of the islamic history have become available in modern English.Those were texts worth the read. Texts worth the time. Truly educating texts. Who was I ? I shouldnt waste peoples time.

I never talked about this to anyone. When I finally opened up to a friend of mine she shook her head. ‘Thats so wrong’, she said. ‘Those who read that kind of literature will continue doing so and those who dont might get into the muslim mindset through yours.’
One more reason was, that I  noticed my texts getting more and more critical of other people. Especially liberal ‘neomuslims’ as I call them. Doubting any benefit from putting out criticism I didnt post any of these texts.
Just to realize now,that the opinions I hold might be radical, but should be put out there to give a counterside to all the wishy washy ‘Islam is only love’-texts which are on the rise.
I hope we can reverse this trend.


However – thats why I had stopped.




And thats why I’ll ınsaallah start again. Just need some motivation

The stranger in many commmumities

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH THE MOST MERCİFUL THE MOST FORGİVİNG

In search for the essence I walked through many doors, in lack of knowledge I sat with many people.And in absence of wisdom I was secretly looking to find one door of absolute truth. I was looking for complete taqwa, absolute wisdom, perfect knowledge and firy speech. I was searching for someone perfect to take me as a student. I was hoping for the perfect scholar, the perfect community.

How foolish I was that I didn’t want to realize by heart what was so obvious to my eyes.

Anyone after the prophet (saw) is open to criticism, because it is the nature of humankind to fail, to forget, to sin, to err. No knowledge makes one immune to mistakes as well as no fame of the world confirms ones rightousness. In fact fame corrupts and knowledge taken for the mere will of knowing makes the heart arrogant and self-righteous.

Wisdom is in many places, on many tongues and in various clothes. Noone has it in completion so in order to collect it one has to go from door to door, from scholar to scholar. Sometimes one needs to ask beggars, and sometimes the wealthiest of people.

On has to stop looking for perfect communities as there are no such communities. I have to stop looking at communities in general, why do they matter. 
You come alone and you go alone, so sustain alone.

Don’t get used to people.

Be a stranger in gatherings.

Come for Allah , stay for Allah and go for Allah.

Be a secret lover.

Thoughts on wealth and addiction

In the name of Allah the most merciful the most
forgiving

My brain became loud yesterday, louder than normal. So loud that it even overpowered the noise of my heart, although I was sitting at a Tafseer lesson (interpretation of the holy Quran) which I thought would challenge mostly the heart. But indeed one needs the intellect and the heart, and both of them are intertwined for eternity. One can not come to use its full potential without the other.

And yesterday my intellect interrupted the noise of my heart. And I started to think about wealth.

I hope to have gained a little bit more of understanding, a little bit more of insight into the endless wisdom of the holy Quran. If there is anything beneficial in my thoughts I should share them, so here –after again a long period of abstinence – I am about to share a fraction of them with everyone whos willing to connect with them and take them in with a clean heart.

The Quran teaches us about dozens of civilisations which come and go , come and go endlessly . With patience the Allmighty tells us the very similar story of many civilisations which got doomed because of very similar crimes. One of the many parallels you see between the doomed civilisations of this earth is that they are almost never poor. On quite the opposite they were rich in every aspect to be thought of in a materialistic sense, often times had mastered difficult disciplines like architecture and were prospering in means of culture and wealth.

At the same time the downward spiral sets in almost everytime  with rising wealth. Greed comes into the hearts. But why is it that those who have more than enough become stingy in spending ? Why do those who have every reason to be grateful become ungrateful? What is it, that comes into the human heart with wealth ? And what is it that happens in the human mind?

It is surely connected to the illusion of humankind to gain power through wealth. The one who makes continously the experience of achieving all they want for this world with money attribute power to it and fail to see its limits. If money means power and power corrupts, man becomes arrogant through is money.

But this is not what I want to focus on as it seems to me that this is common sense. Today I’d like to go a little further and take also into consideration what the almighty has given us as a cure.

''O you who have believed, indeed many of the scholars and the monks devour the wealth of people unjustly and avert [them] from the way of Allah . And those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in the way of Allah - give them tidings of a painful punishment.''
 (9:34)

Allah commands to spend money on his path and not hoard it. Now we know that money itself is not a problem if it comes and goes, but becomes problematic if its kept for the hearts of its temporary owners.

There must be a crucial difference in the value of wealth between those who dont have it in masses and those who do.

For the wealthy money becomes the means of an addiction. The hoarder is addicted.  From a specific limit on there are no basic needs one could fullfill with wealth anymore. All material/physical needs are fullfilled at that point, so that money itself becomes useless to raise ones levels of contentment. But at that point man is already the victim of his own operant  conditioning , because until that point came, he always experienced the fullfillment of his needs with money. Staying true to that schema he tries to comprimise mental or social needs through wealth, money now gets an intrinsic value. It becomes good in and in it self, making the gain of it a positive thing. It is no longer the means to anything. It becomes a purpose.

And as we know from experience the inhibition becomes higher and higher everytime to achieve some level of contentment through material goods. We can see an addictional behavior. Wealth is the narcotic and seperation from narcotics is hard.

How wise becomes the recommendation of my Lord now in the context of these thoughts and modern psychology. How endlessly wise is He ,who has given the cure with the disease and how ignorant would we be to not follow the commandments of the one, who has created us and knows our own souls better than ourself.

Lets give away what we have and spend on the path of the most merciful, so that our hearts remain poor in matters of the physical world and have space for real wealth, the wealth of knowing and loving our rabb. 

 Subhanaallah <3