Sunday, 13 October 2013


I did it -as thousands of young Turks before me I went back to the country in which I am accepted for what I am.
It is the late evening when I get my ticket for the flight.It says 'Berlin SXL - Istanbul SAW' and some strange warmth floats through me when I read 'Istanbul'. Its an irrational warmth.Nobody would be able to explain why I feel it,not even myself.
Nobody except for people in my situation can understand how much blood pulls.How it pulls you,almost calls for you.When you eavesdrop in the evening and see the turkish flag waving in the wind in front of your eyes before you go to sleep, you can hear how it calls your name. And you can feel how you secretly belong to this flag,this ground which calls for you. Sometimes you ignore it,at times you even neglect it,otherwise the longing would make you go crazy.It would fill you with hate and rejection. But this is not a story of hate.It is a story of love.It is the story of a young girl in the prosperity of her life,the best age and in front of opened doors in every direction.It is the story of a girl who is looking for orientation,for some ideas,for acceptance and warmth.

Things I didnt find in Berlin.Dont get me wrong,please.I like Berlin.It is the city of my birth,the city I was raised in,the city I explored like no other city.I know Berlin like my pocket.And there are places in Berlin which I love,people I adore and yes I also liked some bahaviours of Germans.I like it,but I dont love it here.I dont do so because every time I start falling in love with this city someone makes me hate it again,makes me feel that no matter how much I will like it here, I wont be accepted.

I get hit in the metro and shout at in the streets,I get insulted in school and stared at at the mall.Whenever I talk to someone the topic is the same.
Im tired of it.Im tired of being recognized as a mere object of sociological and demographical processes,tired of being a mere object of politics.
Because I am more than that.Firstly I am a human being and Id like to be treated as one.As a living being,a human, with emotions,moods and insecurities.I dont always have to be strong.Why should I ? Why should everyone have the right to be insecure,to be weak at times,but I have to be ready,happy,active,better than the average? Why ?  Could this probably have to do something with me having to proof the opposite of something? Of some idea that people dont get tired of telling me that its non-existent? Nice try.

In Istanbul its different,of course.
When I walk in the streets nobody stares at me.When I walk around at the mall nobody hits me,when I am at the university nobody shouts at me for no reason.And I dont get insulted while using the metro.
Its such a peaceful,easy life.I can focus more on pleasing my creator instead of always defending myself in front of other people.I can focus on being myself,on enjoying,on my studies.Its easy.And thats why it also leaves questionmarks in my head.Has it been right to leave? To just GO ? To leave and choose ease instead of all the struggles?

I dont know.
I probably should have stayed and struggled with my people.I chose not to.At least for the next time not.I chose ease.And a little bit it was chosen for me.

All I can say is: I love Istanbul.
I love it here.I love my people and I love the way of living here.I love it. For the very first time since a few years I am able to sit down and listen again.
I found piece - in this vibrant city with thousand faces.

P.S.: I know this post has like no main idea or message. Its just like me.I dont want to tell anyone anything.I just feel like listening.
I just felt like it was time to upload a post again since this is my blog.