Sunday, 13 October 2013


I did it -as thousands of young Turks before me I went back to the country in which I am accepted for what I am.
It is the late evening when I get my ticket for the flight.It says 'Berlin SXL - Istanbul SAW' and some strange warmth floats through me when I read 'Istanbul'. Its an irrational warmth.Nobody would be able to explain why I feel it,not even myself.
Nobody except for people in my situation can understand how much blood pulls.How it pulls you,almost calls for you.When you eavesdrop in the evening and see the turkish flag waving in the wind in front of your eyes before you go to sleep, you can hear how it calls your name. And you can feel how you secretly belong to this flag,this ground which calls for you. Sometimes you ignore it,at times you even neglect it,otherwise the longing would make you go crazy.It would fill you with hate and rejection. But this is not a story of hate.It is a story of love.It is the story of a young girl in the prosperity of her life,the best age and in front of opened doors in every direction.It is the story of a girl who is looking for orientation,for some ideas,for acceptance and warmth.

Things I didnt find in Berlin.Dont get me wrong,please.I like Berlin.It is the city of my birth,the city I was raised in,the city I explored like no other city.I know Berlin like my pocket.And there are places in Berlin which I love,people I adore and yes I also liked some bahaviours of Germans.I like it,but I dont love it here.I dont do so because every time I start falling in love with this city someone makes me hate it again,makes me feel that no matter how much I will like it here, I wont be accepted.

I get hit in the metro and shout at in the streets,I get insulted in school and stared at at the mall.Whenever I talk to someone the topic is the same.
Im tired of it.Im tired of being recognized as a mere object of sociological and demographical processes,tired of being a mere object of politics.
Because I am more than that.Firstly I am a human being and Id like to be treated as one.As a living being,a human, with emotions,moods and insecurities.I dont always have to be strong.Why should I ? Why should everyone have the right to be insecure,to be weak at times,but I have to be ready,happy,active,better than the average? Why ?  Could this probably have to do something with me having to proof the opposite of something? Of some idea that people dont get tired of telling me that its non-existent? Nice try.

In Istanbul its different,of course.
When I walk in the streets nobody stares at me.When I walk around at the mall nobody hits me,when I am at the university nobody shouts at me for no reason.And I dont get insulted while using the metro.
Its such a peaceful,easy life.I can focus more on pleasing my creator instead of always defending myself in front of other people.I can focus on being myself,on enjoying,on my studies.Its easy.And thats why it also leaves questionmarks in my head.Has it been right to leave? To just GO ? To leave and choose ease instead of all the struggles?

I dont know.
I probably should have stayed and struggled with my people.I chose not to.At least for the next time not.I chose ease.And a little bit it was chosen for me.

All I can say is: I love Istanbul.
I love it here.I love my people and I love the way of living here.I love it. For the very first time since a few years I am able to sit down and listen again.
I found piece - in this vibrant city with thousand faces.

P.S.: I know this post has like no main idea or message. Its just like me.I dont want to tell anyone anything.I just feel like listening.
I just felt like it was time to upload a post again since this is my blog.


  1. There is nothing wrong with going where you feel at home, where you feel you belong. You don't seem to consider yourself german (the text reads like it, when you say you barely like a few things about the germans) and if you feel your people is in Turkey, you absolutely have to go and experience the life there.

    As for struggles, don't worry. There are struggles to face everywhere really, just different ones. As a young, smart, educated woman you will face struggles sooner or later, no matter where you go.

    You're still in the middle of your self-finding process, so it's good to make as many experiences as possible.

    Enjoy your stay and the student life!

    1. Really there are struggles to face everywhere and as Im staying here longer I see that it is even harder to keep ones faith high in a 'muslim' environment.Somehow being between non-muslims psychologycally pushes you towards your own faith and you hold on to it a lot better.
      Have you ever experienced something similar?

    2. Salaams Ayse,
      Being in a Muslim environment makes it harder to keep your faith? Can you elaborate please as I always thought that if I live in a Muslim country I will be more religious as I will be surrounded by Muslims, hear Athaan, see mosques and just concentrate on serving Allah than worrying what others may say to me.


    3. Assalamu alaykum Layla ! :) I hope you are at your best Imaan :)

      The much we define ourselves it is also the environment that shapes us.Being in a non-muslim environment makes you be reminded of yourself. The people around you see you as a representant of your faith so you are responsible to act according to it. Whilst when you are in a muslim environment you lose your representative function, and Iman is not always on its peek, so the moment your iman is weak there is nothing holding you back from sinning.There is no societal pressure or it is very weak, especially in metropoles where you are anonym.
      I still think its very helpful to spend some time in a muslim country but in the long run it is dangerous for ones imaan if he doesnt get into organized religious groups :)


  2. Beautiful post. I'm not from turkey, I have never been there but I can say I'm starting to love Istambul. For the things I read, the pics I saw, the things I studied about the city. And In sha Allah I can have the opportunity to go to Istambul to study for a year.

    About your post. You have the right to go wherever you feel better, even more, we shouldn't stay in a place where we aren't being ourselves, our true selfves.


    1. I agree 100% . İstanbul is love in its purest form.Whatever you look for - you can find it in İstanbul <3

  3. Assalamualaikum! Hello.. iam Taufiq. Remember me? Where are you now? In Istanbul? Wow... I envy you.. always wanted to be there.. hope you are doing fine out there, InsyaAllah. =) Take care. <3

  4. of course I do remember you :) Im studying in İstanbul now :D So far it is one of the best decisions Ive ever made :) You too insaallah ? :)