Monday, 16 December 2013

Turning points

We all have these moments in life,when we have lost our direction.
When we start feeling numb,when we just function.We dont live,dont feel.We are confused,we start thinking our emotions,instead of feeling them.
And then there comes this saving moment.The turning point.For most people its a conversation,a person,a place,a smell,an object.
For me it has always been a moment.A moment of silence. And darkness. I need the darkness,the night,the merciful covering of everything physical.I have to close my eyes,lose my visual sense and let rationality die.
I might even see,my eyes might still be open,but the signals dont reach my brain.I see the elements,but dont get the pictures.Thats when my heart comes back. And it says 'Hey,Im here.I still feel.I am still alive. And hey,I know the direction to go.Im not blaming you for not following the last days.Just come back.Come back.Follow me.I'll guide you home.Let me be your light on your path to Allah.'
At all turning points of my life I've written my feelings down.I've written it all down,let the feelings pour out.

And then I've kept it to myself.

But today I want to share one of these turning points
Istanbul is crazy.Its beautiful and its crazy.I mean Berlin is a metropole.But Istanbul is just a new dimension of craziness and speed for me.And it bcecame too much for me at once.İt was just too much. Too much.Too much at once.
So I was feeling like a machine,I was functioning ,in order to protect my naive,innocent self.And the moment you become a machine,you mistake other people for being machines too.Because you have no heart and you feel with your brain,or at least you think you feel with your brain (I dont know to which extent this is possible,but I'm quite sure everyone has experienced this),you assume that other people dont have a heart either.You dont treat them respectless or rude,but you become passive,you only answer questions.You never ask,because you are not interested in the one in front of you.You are only interested in yourself,in your own state,your own thoughts,your own feelings. The most precious thing one can give is true,selfless interest.For the sake of the other.When people talked to me I was only fed up with behaving right myself,with avoiding risks,with staying in my own state.Sometimes I got bored,I tried to escape out of that cage I created on my own.But I didnt even knew how I created that cage,how could I know which key was the right one to escape?

And then,when I got bored I tried to use other people as a means to explorations,to new things,to excitement and ultimately to any true feeling at all again.I hadnt felt anything in ages,I was even willing to experience the worst kind of sadness,of anger and grief.I was just desperate for emotions.And so I tried to exploit other people,I wanted them to stimulate me,I acted like a parasite and forgot that I was still dealing with humans.Humans with hearts,with emotion. Just HUMANS.

So I sat down this one evening,it was already dark, with my friend at the harbor and was eating kumpir.Not that I was hungry.Again: I was just in desperate search for stimulation.
We sat in front of the mosque,in front of us the now closed historical Mimar Sinan Bazaar and a beautiful fountain.It was not summer anymore,but not cold as well.The ever so vital place we were at seemed to be empty.We were the only ones sitting at the benches.It seemed like humankind had left this place to us.And since my friend is really close to me,I felt like the place was left to me.She was just an extension of me (what a disgusting,egocentric thought,but thats how I felt).We sat there and talked about this and that as the fountain turned off at exactly 8pm.We watched the waves in the water calming down until it was just an even surface.No sound,no movement,no life,nothing.Just calmness.In this very moment I saw myself in the water.It represented me prefectly.The loud noise might have stopped with the fountain.but so did the beauty,the whole purpose of the fountain dissolve.

I started crying.

The tears were rolling down my cheeks and I knew exactly why.
I started talking,but everytime I started something stopped me.Something from deep within held me back.The words were coming to the tip pf my tongue,but there was no way for them to find out.
So we sat there.
And I looked at the water.
And somewhere between the calm surface of the lifeless water and the neverending problems of my teenage-adult-something-in-between-being I chose to turn.To leave the path I was on and get back on track.

I turned.

Turned my face to my creator and again said ' I have sinned,Oh Lord! I have transgressed against my own soul. Forgive Et-Tevvab!'


  1. Salam, this really moved me, I've had these little moments over and over again, and is quite similar to how I'm feeling right now. Rabbana dhalamna anfusana wa inlam taghfirlana wa taghhamna la nakunanna min al-khasiriin. Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves and if You do not forgive us and have mercy on us we will be of the loosers. Thank You for sharing this! Jazakallahu khairan.

    1. I thank you . I wasnt so sure whether I should publish this or not,but I was sure that other people had felt that way ! Jazakallahukhairan.May Allah forgive us and except our tavba..

  2. That's exactly how İ feel right now. İ haven't reached my turning point yet..

    Well written by the way, kalemin dert görmesin.

    1. I know exactly how you feeli Im still waiting for my big turning point..This one was kind of small.... Its the worst, to know that there is something wrong, that we need to turn but cant. I wish I knew how to choose when the turning point comes. İnşaallah çabuk gelir :) Allah razı olsun cümleten :)

  3. Hi Ayse, I just want to learn that can you live as a müslim in Germany. Do you have lots of problems in different steps of life or not? How other people who are not müslim evaulate and see you as a müslim womn? thank you

    1. SA . thats a big topic I will write about, but you can find some information here : :)

  4. AS. Ayse, I have already read your blog " "." As you said this is really big topic, so I want to ask my question to give an exampl. In the future I would like to live in Germany as a muslim person with my family. Can I raise my children as good muslims? Can we pray very easily or not? Can I go to mosques and find halal foods and can I protect my family bad things which are not true for Islam? In your blog, you said" I get hit in the metro and shout at in the streets,I get insulted in school and stared at at the mall" Do muslim living in germany have always these kinds of problems or this just rare example? I am looking forward you to answer my questions. Thank you so much.

    1. Germany is not a muslim country, so you cannot expect too much. You will encounter problems and things will be more difficult than living in a muslim country.

      Ask yourself what kind of problems a christian person living in a muslim country could encounter. It's pretty much the same situation. Even though atheism is also becoming more, Christianity is still very strong in Germany. Add to this a strong feminism and liberalism and you'll see what issues can become problematic.

    2. SA. Meltem I understood what do yo want to say, but I think living in a non muslim country as a muslim person is more difficult than living in a muslim country as a christian person. For example, for christians there is not problem finding halal foods for them as you know because they dont have any rules about foods Also we need to pray five times in a day. It can be problem finding mosque or anywhere to pray; and finding a place for ablution whereas christian people dont have these kind of issues. I know that lots of them can live very easily in muslim countries. I hope you will understand my point and I want you to answer this side of my question if you want. Thanks.

    3. SA. I find it difficult to live in Germany as a muslim,not because it is hard to take ablution and pray ( you adjust yourself after a while to the missing mosques and find places to dp your salah) it is more because of the feeling of being a foreigner.They alienate you.Sometimes not even through direct but indirect actions -looks,random words,random phrases etc. You are a representant of an unwanted minority. It is in fact hard to live their although it has several aspects which are also good of course. To be honest Im tired of talking about this :( Id be very pleased if you could ask someone else or search on the internet for other sources.

  5. AS. thank you for your all answers, and I am sorry for taking your time. I am leaving for your blog. Take care.